Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Yay! One Hundred Posts!

So, my review of The Young Victoria was my 100th post! To celebrate, I will share with you a piece of advice.

In spite of my love for action movies, I am fully aware that most people wouldn't win a fight in a real world, no matter how righteous or brave they are. I'm one of those people. I'm scrawny, and not athletic in the least. It has occurred to me that at some point, I may be in a position where someone is trying to engage in a physical altercation with me. I have devised an effective and clever response to such a situation:

Dance around like an orangutan and scream crazy things.

I have tested this method on several people, and it seems to do the trick every time. People are so surprised and disturbed by my sudden psychotic behavior that they instinctively move away. This gives me the chance to either flee, or escalate the psychotic behavior in hopes that it will further deter my would-be attacker.

If you have no hope of being too big or strong to fight, you must seem too crazy to fight. No one wants to duke it out with someone who is completely insane. Insane people are unpredictable, and might kill you or fight dirty. But how to appear crazy enough to scare someone away when you're not normally physically intimidating? Nothing makes you seem crazier than adopting a primate-like locomotion while yelling crazy things like:
"I will end you like a dishtowel! My fury is a hot ball of cheese! Get ready for plaid!"
Peppering in curse words where applicable.

And it's really quite easy, you crouch down, knees bent, butt low to the ground, legs and feet spread wide, jumping from foot to foot while swinging your arms up and down loosely like an ape.

When you scream, don't scream like a war cry. Scream like you're on a crashing plane and you're in full flight-or-fight mode. The more high-pitched and irregular, the better.

As I mentioned, my tests of this have gone very well. I ask a person "Get in my face, like you're going to fight me." and once they do, I commence with the crouching, flailing and screaming. They always jump back in alarm. Who wouldn't?

Like the Spanish Inquisition, my chief weapon is surprise. My second weapon is the ability to appear unhinged.

Here endeth the lesson.

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