Sunday, December 19, 2010

The movie gifts that keep on giving

There are only four shopping days left until Christmas. Five if you count Christmas Eve, but I don't count Christmas Eve. If you haven't bought a gift for someone by now, you obviously don't really like them all that much. You know who I'm talking about: Those people you can barely tolerate, but yet are forced to exchange gifts with because of the suffocating grip tradition and social niceties have on our collective lives.

Here are some gift ideas for those people on your list. You will be able to fulfill your obligation and express your distaste for it all at the same time. Or you'll almost certainly never be invited to the Yankee Swap again. Or you'll be considered the most hysterically ironic person in your group of hipster friends.

Titanic 2- This actually exists. But hey, it's not like they did something so tasteless as to resurrect the first ship only to have it sink again. No, this is the story of an entirely different boat by the same exact name that predictably meets the same end when "a tsunami hurls an ice berg[sic] into the new ship's path...", because these filmmakers have integrity.

He's Just Not That Into You- If there's someone on your list that you want to insult in an incredibly passive aggressive manner, I encourage you to buy them this movie on DVD and really emphasize the fact that "I thought you would just love this. It's so perfect for you." It's like Closer, but with a lobotomy.

Tinker Bell and the Great Fairy Rescue- Do you have a child on our list, a child whose parent you greatly despise? Give that child this movie. Not only will you be killing the child's brain cells and thereby ensuring its academic disadvantage, the parent will be slowly shaken from their sanity by their child's repeated requests to watch this movie over, and over, and over, and over... If the child is male and conforms to the western social ideal of their gender role, you should substitute Tom and Jerry Meet Sherlock Holmes.

The Lost Boys: The Thirst- You've got to know someone who deserves an ill-advised third installment to a classically good-because-it-is-bad cult flick which stars Corey Feldman. It promises that "The Frog brothers are back for blood." Think of the look the Best Buy clerk will give the recipient when they try to return this for store credit. For extra fun you could insist on watching it with them so that they can only try to sell it used and you get to see them pretend to enjoy it.

Wrong Turn at Tahoe- I recommend this, not because I have the slightest idea what it's about or how it will bring unhappiness to the person you give it to, but because Christmas is a time for charity. And I think it's pretty clear that when Cuba Gooding Jr (who has an Oscar) and Harvey Keitel (who is just really awesome) are doing movies named after Bugs Bunny's punch lines, they need all the charity we can give. Show them the money!

Have a fantastic holiday. Thank you so very much for reading my blog, and I look forward to all of the movies I'll share with you in 2011.
If I see TRON before then, I'll be sure to let you know what I think.

If you also have some great ideas for terrible movies to give as gifts, or ones you have received, please share them in the comments. Extra points if you can buy it on VHS.


Nena Nadine said...

Funniest post ever!

I don't know what bad movies off the top of my head. One year everyone got me a Bill Murray movie without even knowing that the other people had as well. And no duplicates! That was a good Christmas.

Noel said...

That sounds like a bonafide Christmas miracle!